Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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