ya dads aren't the best wingmen
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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