life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I have tasted many bathrooms
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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