Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
