I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
