we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
