what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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