Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
