I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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