so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
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In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
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I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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