my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
