u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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