So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
