i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
