the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
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I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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