True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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