I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
