I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
