no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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