I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
