I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I am naked and annoyed.
All the doctor said was why
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
