Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
