I'm so fucking centered right now
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey