I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
