walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
