I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
