I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
