farters have to be the big spoon...
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
