he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
