I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
