his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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