You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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