I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
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Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Vodka?
Forever.
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He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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