She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
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I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I AM VODKA MAN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
It all started with a game of naked twister.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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