My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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