I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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