The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Randomize
