My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
