How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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