Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
