Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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