Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
