the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
did i walk over a car last night?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
