i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
