I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
