Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
