im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
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theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
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I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize