just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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