I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
These Attractive Criminals Got Modeling Contracts After Getting Arrested
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void