apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
