i permit you to call me
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Randomize
