Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
