May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
