Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
