I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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