I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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