i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
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Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
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I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
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